let go, let God;

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
- Matthew 11:28

I am exhausted, I'm worn out, I'm drained, and I'm stressed. I can't remember the last time I took some time to myself, and I definitely can't remember the last time I took some time for God. Every second of every day is busy, and I'm too stubborn to admit it anywhere other than this very blog.

I don't want to complain. I don't. I like being busy, and I love (most of) the things I busy myself with.
So why am I worn out?

Because somewhere along the lines I decided to leave God out of my busy-ness. Somewhere between the beginning of this year and now I decided that I could do it on my own.

And I can't.

I can't do it on my own.

And God knows that. Come to me, He says, and I will give you rest.

I learned this lesson in the summer. I can pinpoint the moment when I knew that I was trying to do my job on my own. And I just couldn't, it was physically impossible.
And knowing that, somehow I'm still reluctant to ask Him for help.

But I can't do it on my own.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
- 1 Peter 5:7

The answers are in front of me. The rest, the refreshment, the rejuvenation I need is so close. I just need to accept it. I need to be okay with asking for help, and then just do it.
I need to stop trying to do it on my own, because it's futile and it's impossible.

And imagine what He could do through me, if I just let Him.

spinning;

Everytime I open up this 'new post' window, I do so with the intention of writing something that will sum everything that's going on in my life. And everytime I do this, I type a few sentences, my head starts to spin, and I give up, frustrated.

Things are crazy right now. It's ironic, because I thought that I wanted this part of my life to speed up, but now things are moving so quickly that really, I just want to hit the pause button and catch my breath. Ever feel like time completely dictates your life? Ever feel weighed down by it? Right now, I do. I'm living by an extremely rigid, structured schedule and it's foreign to me. Everything seems to be scheduled right down to the times that I sleep. And because of this routine, things just move so fast. I can't really believe that it's October already.

I'm struggling with understanding where I fit in. I miss camp because I miss being a part of that community. I miss knowing that people care, you know? I just miss that genuine concern, people asking about my life and actually wanting to know. And I miss feeling valued. I mean, I know that I shouldn't base my own sense of worth on other people, but at camp I felt like an integral, appreciated piece of a team - like I had useful talents and strengths to bring to the table. And it was a great feeling.

I feel like things are snowballing. As I sit here and type, there is just so much in my head that I want to spew into this blogging world.
I've been thinking a lot about trust lately, and evaluating just how much trust I put in God. I think something I really wrestle with is weighing my plans against His. I tend to paint ideal pictures in my head of what I think my life should look like, and sometimes I forget about the possibility that things could go differently. I feel as though lately God has been saying, 'hey, Andi, what if this isn't what I have planned..?' or, 'hey, Andi, ever considered THIS?' It's scary. I know He has my best interest at heart, I know He knows me better than anyone in the world (including myself) but I'm struggling with letting go of MY ideas. Maybe I won't have to let go, but I have to be willing to. I'm not sure how open minded I am to alternatives, and I know I need to be. I know I need to do some serious surrendering.



All that being said, Thanksgiving is around the corner.
And, as it approaches, I'm reminding myself to stop and remember how blessed I am. Sometimes I get so caught up in everything else, that I forget to just be thankful. Because, really, I am so lucky. I have a wonderful, loving family. I am in love with a great guy. I have amazing friends, near and far. I am receiving a solid education. I have food, clothing, a home, and I just had one of the best summers of my life. I have a relationship with my Creator.

I guess that's what this Thanksgiving is going to be about for me. I'm going to try to put everything aside, and just thank.
That needs to be a recurring theme in my life. I want to hit the pause button sometimes - but in it's own way, just stopping and remembering how blessed I am does that, you know?
Perhaps this weekend will be exactly what I need.