Mary;

Jesus says, "Mother, I couldn't stay another day longer."
Flies right by me and leaves a kiss upon her face.
While the angels are singin' His praises in a blaze of glory,
Mary stays behind and starts cleaning up the place.
- "Mary" by Patty Griffin

I wonder what it was like to be Mary. To give birth to the boy who would someday save the world. To learn more from your son than you could ever teach him. To live with the knowledge that someday he would be killed for the good of the world.

To watch him be scorned, beaten, humiliated and hung on a cross.

I'm always, always baffled by her. If there's any woman in the Bible that I would love to sit down with and talk to, it's Mary.

I wonder if she was terribly conflicted. I wonder if she knew it had to happen, but wished it wouldn't. I wonder if she tried to stop Him. I wonder if she tried to convince Him otherwise. I wonder how hard that woman prayed.

And I wonder about the pain she must have felt watching Him hanging from that cross in agony.

I mean, I can't understand the way she must've responded to His death. How could she watch her son die in such a way? Did it even register with her that her own life depended on His? Or was she blinded by the pain that only His earthly mother could possibly feel?

What was going through her head? What was going through her heart?

It's fascinating to me, to think about the people who were closest to Jesus. The ones who touched Him, who spoke to Him, who were with Him in his first days, and who were with Him in His last days.

I wonder what Easter meant to them, and I then I think about what Easter means to me.

Easter fills me with the largest range of emotions.

I'm so so thankful. Thankful that He laid His life down for me.

I'm ashamed. Ashamed that He had to lay His life down for me.

I'm sad. Sad that He endured such incredible pain.

I'm in awe. In awe that He showed the world His unfathomable glory by rising from that tomb.

I'm filled with love. Love for the one that showed, and continues to show me love that is so pure, so true and so real. Love that gave everything for me.



I wish you all a blessed Easter, one of contemplation, love, reflection and celebration!
(He is Risen!)

that's my shepherd;

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

I am the sheep.
Sometimes I get lost, sometimes I run astray. But He is faithful, and He will always pull me back. He keeps me safe, He is my refuge.
He provides for me everything that I need.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.

He gives me peace. He gives me rest. He gives me silence.
He knows when I am broken, and He puts me back together again.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

He knows what's right, and He shows me the way.
He points me in the direction that I need to go in, so that I can bring glory to Him.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

There is nothing that I can't handle - because He's at my side.
Early fears are futile, with His hand on my shoulder, there is nothing to be afraid of.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

He readies me for whatever I may face.
I am prepared.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

The blessings He bestows on me are endless. They are more than what I could ever dream or imagine.
I have so much to be thankful for.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,

Every day. Every hour. Every second.
He'll be right there behind me.

And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Forever.

unending love, amazing grace;

I had the most wonderful 'God moment' the other day. It was a beautiful reminder to me and one that I needed more than I realized.

I was talking to a friend of mine and she was talking about a test she had had that morning. Her prof gave her a really great mark, and rather than being thrilled about it she was frustrated and surprised. She knew that she didn't deserve the mark, she was sure that she deserved a much lower grade, but even when she told him that, he insisted on giving her the higher one. She couldn't understand it, and all I could do was think about Jesus.

Isn't that a beautiful picture of Jesus' grace? Like that teacher handing out the high mark, Jesus grants us forgiveness even though we don't deserve it. We know we don't deserve it, we know we deserve so little, yet He gives us so much.
And it baffles me. I can't understand it - a love that huge.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound!
That saved a wretch like me,
I once was lost, but now I'm found,
Was blind but now I see.

I'm not sure I've ever really understood the weight of those words. I'm not sure that I've ever even attempted to wrap my head around what they mean, and how significant they are.
Grace is amazing!
And I would be lost without it - if I got what I deserve, the low mark that was coming to me.
Incredible. Completely and absolutely incredible, that guy Jesus is.

let go, let God;

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
- Matthew 11:28

I am exhausted, I'm worn out, I'm drained, and I'm stressed. I can't remember the last time I took some time to myself, and I definitely can't remember the last time I took some time for God. Every second of every day is busy, and I'm too stubborn to admit it anywhere other than this very blog.

I don't want to complain. I don't. I like being busy, and I love (most of) the things I busy myself with.
So why am I worn out?

Because somewhere along the lines I decided to leave God out of my busy-ness. Somewhere between the beginning of this year and now I decided that I could do it on my own.

And I can't.

I can't do it on my own.

And God knows that. Come to me, He says, and I will give you rest.

I learned this lesson in the summer. I can pinpoint the moment when I knew that I was trying to do my job on my own. And I just couldn't, it was physically impossible.
And knowing that, somehow I'm still reluctant to ask Him for help.

But I can't do it on my own.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
- 1 Peter 5:7

The answers are in front of me. The rest, the refreshment, the rejuvenation I need is so close. I just need to accept it. I need to be okay with asking for help, and then just do it.
I need to stop trying to do it on my own, because it's futile and it's impossible.

And imagine what He could do through me, if I just let Him.

spinning;

Everytime I open up this 'new post' window, I do so with the intention of writing something that will sum everything that's going on in my life. And everytime I do this, I type a few sentences, my head starts to spin, and I give up, frustrated.

Things are crazy right now. It's ironic, because I thought that I wanted this part of my life to speed up, but now things are moving so quickly that really, I just want to hit the pause button and catch my breath. Ever feel like time completely dictates your life? Ever feel weighed down by it? Right now, I do. I'm living by an extremely rigid, structured schedule and it's foreign to me. Everything seems to be scheduled right down to the times that I sleep. And because of this routine, things just move so fast. I can't really believe that it's October already.

I'm struggling with understanding where I fit in. I miss camp because I miss being a part of that community. I miss knowing that people care, you know? I just miss that genuine concern, people asking about my life and actually wanting to know. And I miss feeling valued. I mean, I know that I shouldn't base my own sense of worth on other people, but at camp I felt like an integral, appreciated piece of a team - like I had useful talents and strengths to bring to the table. And it was a great feeling.

I feel like things are snowballing. As I sit here and type, there is just so much in my head that I want to spew into this blogging world.
I've been thinking a lot about trust lately, and evaluating just how much trust I put in God. I think something I really wrestle with is weighing my plans against His. I tend to paint ideal pictures in my head of what I think my life should look like, and sometimes I forget about the possibility that things could go differently. I feel as though lately God has been saying, 'hey, Andi, what if this isn't what I have planned..?' or, 'hey, Andi, ever considered THIS?' It's scary. I know He has my best interest at heart, I know He knows me better than anyone in the world (including myself) but I'm struggling with letting go of MY ideas. Maybe I won't have to let go, but I have to be willing to. I'm not sure how open minded I am to alternatives, and I know I need to be. I know I need to do some serious surrendering.



All that being said, Thanksgiving is around the corner.
And, as it approaches, I'm reminding myself to stop and remember how blessed I am. Sometimes I get so caught up in everything else, that I forget to just be thankful. Because, really, I am so lucky. I have a wonderful, loving family. I am in love with a great guy. I have amazing friends, near and far. I am receiving a solid education. I have food, clothing, a home, and I just had one of the best summers of my life. I have a relationship with my Creator.

I guess that's what this Thanksgiving is going to be about for me. I'm going to try to put everything aside, and just thank.
That needs to be a recurring theme in my life. I want to hit the pause button sometimes - but in it's own way, just stopping and remembering how blessed I am does that, you know?
Perhaps this weekend will be exactly what I need.

just love;

So, this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much, but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.
- Phillipians 1, MSG

Three things that jump at me when I read this passage;

Our love is supposed to flourish.
I had no idea what this word meant when I read it, so I looked it up in the dictionary. The most common definition listed is growth, or thriving. It means that we are supposed to love with the goal of reaching the highest point of love that we can possibly reach. I picture love kind of like a vine, climbing up a wall, always growing in height, but spreading width-wise too.
There's another definition for the word flourish that caught my attention. It's only listed once, and its very few words. It says, flourish: to sound a trumpet call or fanfare. Interesting, eh? Imagine if our love could be as bold as a trumpet call. Imagine love being that loud. And maybe that's not exactly what Paul is getting at, but when I see that definition that is what I want. I want there to be a trumpet-like boldness to the way that I love. That I would love without reservations, without conditions, without asking questions, and that it would grow more and more each day.

Love needs to be sincere.
It can't be fluff. It can't be meaningless. It involves using my heart, and my mind. Love needs to be intentional. It needs to be thought through. It goes beyond initial feelings. And I think for me that applies big time when it comes to people who are hard to love. Sometimes, people push my buttons. Sometimes I just don't feel like loving them. But love needs to be intentional. Paul says it needs to be intelligent. Maybe I won't feel the 'setimental gush' around every person that I encounter, but that doesn't mean I can't love them. I need to sincerely and genuinely love others, because Jesus loves me. And I certainly am hard to love, I'm sure.

Love needs to set an example.
It needs to paint Jesus in a good light. Others need to see the difference in the way I live, and want that difference. Notice that this passage says nothing about using our words. It doesn't say, 'love, and tell everyone about Jesus.' It says nothing about 'evangelizing.' It says to make Jesus attractive to all. How? By loving. By living by example. By living the way He did. It reminds me of that famous quote 'preach the Gospel at all times - and if necessary, use words.'
How? Love.


This passage really stands out to me. I feel like it gives us such a great 'how to' on what Jesus means when He says 'love one another,' and I love that. I love that He doesn't ask something of us and not help us out. He doesn't leave it for us to figure out by ourselves. He walks us through it. He sets the example. He helps us.
Sometimes we really complicate being Christians, don't we? And in doing that, I think we often totally miss the mark of what being a follower of Christ really means. What does it actually mean to follow Jesus? To live like Jesus?
I think it starts with love.
Plain and simply, just love.

oh, whisper to me now that it was for real;

Well, it's been nearly two weeks since I returned from Adventure Camp, and it feels like its been a lifetime.

This is hard, because as I sit here for like, the millionth time, I still can't figure out what to say. And I need to say something. I feel like I owe it to this summer to try to put into words what an incredible experience it was. But I can't just say anything. I have to do it justice. I have to capture every scent, every sight, every smell, every moment, every second.

I know that's unrealistic. And I know that if I try that, I will type until my fingers fall off.

So let me just tell you that this summer was easily the best of my life. In the short two months that I was up north, God revealed to me things that I never knew about myself and about Him. He stretched me, He urged me to try new things, and He showed me that He is with me no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing.

This summer, I learned what it means to be dependant. You're probably scratching your head and wondering how on earth that's a good thing. I didn't learn to depend on other people - I learned to depend on God. I learned that it's okay to ask Him for help. I learned that it's okay when I can't do something on my own. I learned that when my body grows tired, and weary, God stays strong. And I learned that if I am willing, God will replace my strength with His. He will work in me and through me.

Above all else, I learned what a privelege, what an opportunity, it is to love. Week after week, God placed groups of His children under my care and He asked only that I loved them. Loving those kids was such a blessing. Being their mom for the week, talking to them, laughing with them, rubbing their backs during sleepless nights, eating meals with them, praying with them, investing in them. I met the most amazing kids, with the most beautiful smiles and the most wonderful energy, and I got to build solid, trusting relationships with them. And, I got to watch God work in their lives. I got to share my relationship with Christ with them, and I got to help plant seeds in their minds and their hearts, trusting that God would nurture and grow those seeds. I saw kids commit their lives to Jesus, I prayed with them as they did it. When I think back on these experiences, I am blown away that God chose to use me the ways He did - that He picked me to work in these precious children's lives this summer.

I miss it. Everyday.
I miss the kids. I miss their laughter, and the sound of their small voices praying. I miss giving them piggy-back rides, and I miss holding their tiny hands in mine. I miss their tight little hugs, and I miss listening to them talk and talk about the cares of their young lives. I miss being a part of their lives.
I miss the stars, I miss the sunsets, I miss the lake, and the stillness of being surrounded by God's handiwork. I miss the sound of rain falling on the roof of my chalet. I miss the wildlife - the deer, the chipmunks, the raccoons.
I miss the incredible community of people I was blessed to work with. I miss being able to step outside and be greeted by a hug, or a smile, or an encouraging word. I miss feeling like a part of something incredible, a valued piece of a body working towards one common goal.
I miss being Daffi.

All in all, the summer was incredible. It exceeded all of my wildest dreams, every expectation, every notion that I had of what camp might be. God taught me, and pushed me, and changed me.
Not only was it the best summer of my life, but it was the best experience of my life. And even though I miss it unbelievably, I can't let that eclipse how incredibly grateful I am for those two months. I am so thankful for camp, I am so thankful for every moment of this past summer.

Being back in the real world is hard. And thinking about everything this summer held makes me feel like it would be so much easier to just be in that camp bubble again, to spend my whole life there. But I know that God taught me the things He did for a reason, and I know He's going to use those lessons and experiences in the coming year. It's exciting, and admittedly very scary, but He walked me through every transition at camp, and He will walk me through every transition here.

So, with that being said, I'm welcoming in the new year, I'm pushing past the tough adjustments, I'm trusting God to carry me through.
And I'm taking Adventure Camp with me.