knock, knock;

Whenever I am conscious of Satan's presence, I try to follow the formula once offered by a little girl: "When Satan knocks, I just send Christ to the door."
- Billy Graham

Good advice, "little girl."

a juggling act;

I've spent a huge chunk of this year thinking about how I can actively love others. How I can share in the lives of the people I love. How to go beyond just facebook messages and texts. And I made a decision months ago to do it better. But it seems the more I try to do it the more I feel like I come up short. The more I feel like a disappointment to others, and to myself.

I'm not sure where my thoughts are going but I needed an outlet to pour into. All I know is that camp is 3 weeks away and I'm feeling the urgency. And all of the people around me are clearly feeling it too. And it's all making me feel somewhat like a failure. Like the more I hear "I need to see you more before you go away" the guiltier I feel for going away, and the more I realize that I haven't invested my time the way I've wanted to.

I feel like I'm being stretched very thin. And like I'm being pulled in a million different directions, And it doesn't really matter which one I choose because inevitably I will disappoint somebody I love.

And I'm frustrated. Mostly with myself I think.
I know I shouldn't be stressing out about this and I should be thinking about the exciting summer I have ahead of me.

This is just one big rant with no conclusion. I suppose I just wish I was better at balancing things.

mama;

I have a really great mom.

Sometimes I'm afraid that she doesn't know how much I appreciate everything that she is to me.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I don't even know how much I appreciate her.

It's amazing how the older I get the more I come to acknowledge the little things that she has done for me. All of the hugs, all of the meals, the pickups, the drop offs, the comforting words, all the times I've cried on her shoulder, the laughs, the games, the conversations, the loads of laundry, the doctor visits, the advice, and so so much more, every minute, every day, all of it has had an incredibly huge impact.

I have a really great mom.

She's a strong, beautiful, smart, loving woman.
And though we have our differences (and trust me, we do), we are a perfect fit. And I'm incredibly thankful for her.

a moment of contentment;

Last summer changed a lot of things for me.
Up until then, it was just school, home, work. But last summer added camp into the mix.
And so, with this summer fast approaching I am becoming increasingly stressed out. It's unbelievable to me that after a mere two months in that place it's hard for me to picture my life without it.

I keep taking myself back to one of my favourite moments of the summer. It was a cool August evening and I was seated on a stump by the Explorer campfire. The lake was on my right, and my campers sitting close to my left side. It was a beautiful, calm, peaceful night and I felt so at ease. Toward the end of the campfire, came prayer time. In an instant the silence was broken by tiny voice upon tiny voice calling out to God. Even as I sit here, I can hear that beautiful sound in my mind. Tears fill my eyes and goosebumps prickle my skin just the same as that August evening.

In that second, I can remember being so joyful, so peaceful, and so content.

It was just an incredible moment that I am so thankful for, and that I'll remember forever.

love is;

Have you ever realized what a privilege it is to love someone? Have you ever stopped to consider how incredibly blessed we are to have the opportunity to love others?

It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. How grateful I am that God gives me the responsibility of loving.

I'm unbelievably saddened by how frequently I hear about people taking this privilege for granted. Somehow, people have distorted love into something that is completely self-seeking, something that is all about taking and hardly about giving. I don't know how it got that way, but I'm reminded of what Scripture tells me about love.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

That he lay down his life.

That we lay down our desires. Our wants. Our needs. For others. For the ones we love.

I'm tired of watching people be hurt by the ones they love, who somewhere along the line forgot to love them back. People who at some point started to ask the question, "but what's in it for me?"

The thought of falling into that trap scares me. It's scary because it's a trap that'll take my eyes off of Jesus and off of the example He set of what love is. Because He is the ultimate example of love. He did lay down His life for the ones He loves. He showed us what it is to be selfless.

I want to always love with that in mind. I want my love to be real, and honest and selfless. And I never want to take the opportunity to love someone for granted.

And I pray that others will love like that. Completely with others at heart, and completely laying their lives down in the process.

Isn't that what God has in mind?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

in Christ alone;

There in the ground, His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me!
For I am His, and He is mine,
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

Mary;

Jesus says, "Mother, I couldn't stay another day longer."
Flies right by me and leaves a kiss upon her face.
While the angels are singin' His praises in a blaze of glory,
Mary stays behind and starts cleaning up the place.
- "Mary" by Patty Griffin

I wonder what it was like to be Mary. To give birth to the boy who would someday save the world. To learn more from your son than you could ever teach him. To live with the knowledge that someday he would be killed for the good of the world.

To watch him be scorned, beaten, humiliated and hung on a cross.

I'm always, always baffled by her. If there's any woman in the Bible that I would love to sit down with and talk to, it's Mary.

I wonder if she was terribly conflicted. I wonder if she knew it had to happen, but wished it wouldn't. I wonder if she tried to stop Him. I wonder if she tried to convince Him otherwise. I wonder how hard that woman prayed.

And I wonder about the pain she must have felt watching Him hanging from that cross in agony.

I mean, I can't understand the way she must've responded to His death. How could she watch her son die in such a way? Did it even register with her that her own life depended on His? Or was she blinded by the pain that only His earthly mother could possibly feel?

What was going through her head? What was going through her heart?

It's fascinating to me, to think about the people who were closest to Jesus. The ones who touched Him, who spoke to Him, who were with Him in his first days, and who were with Him in His last days.

I wonder what Easter meant to them, and I then I think about what Easter means to me.

Easter fills me with the largest range of emotions.

I'm so so thankful. Thankful that He laid His life down for me.

I'm ashamed. Ashamed that He had to lay His life down for me.

I'm sad. Sad that He endured such incredible pain.

I'm in awe. In awe that He showed the world His unfathomable glory by rising from that tomb.

I'm filled with love. Love for the one that showed, and continues to show me love that is so pure, so true and so real. Love that gave everything for me.



I wish you all a blessed Easter, one of contemplation, love, reflection and celebration!
(He is Risen!)