unending love, amazing grace;

I had the most wonderful 'God moment' the other day. It was a beautiful reminder to me and one that I needed more than I realized.

I was talking to a friend of mine and she was talking about a test she had had that morning. Her prof gave her a really great mark, and rather than being thrilled about it she was frustrated and surprised. She knew that she didn't deserve the mark, she was sure that she deserved a much lower grade, but even when she told him that, he insisted on giving her the higher one. She couldn't understand it, and all I could do was think about Jesus.

Isn't that a beautiful picture of Jesus' grace? Like that teacher handing out the high mark, Jesus grants us forgiveness even though we don't deserve it. We know we don't deserve it, we know we deserve so little, yet He gives us so much.
And it baffles me. I can't understand it - a love that huge.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound!
That saved a wretch like me,
I once was lost, but now I'm found,
Was blind but now I see.

I'm not sure I've ever really understood the weight of those words. I'm not sure that I've ever even attempted to wrap my head around what they mean, and how significant they are.
Grace is amazing!
And I would be lost without it - if I got what I deserve, the low mark that was coming to me.
Incredible. Completely and absolutely incredible, that guy Jesus is.

let go, let God;

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
- Matthew 11:28

I am exhausted, I'm worn out, I'm drained, and I'm stressed. I can't remember the last time I took some time to myself, and I definitely can't remember the last time I took some time for God. Every second of every day is busy, and I'm too stubborn to admit it anywhere other than this very blog.

I don't want to complain. I don't. I like being busy, and I love (most of) the things I busy myself with.
So why am I worn out?

Because somewhere along the lines I decided to leave God out of my busy-ness. Somewhere between the beginning of this year and now I decided that I could do it on my own.

And I can't.

I can't do it on my own.

And God knows that. Come to me, He says, and I will give you rest.

I learned this lesson in the summer. I can pinpoint the moment when I knew that I was trying to do my job on my own. And I just couldn't, it was physically impossible.
And knowing that, somehow I'm still reluctant to ask Him for help.

But I can't do it on my own.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
- 1 Peter 5:7

The answers are in front of me. The rest, the refreshment, the rejuvenation I need is so close. I just need to accept it. I need to be okay with asking for help, and then just do it.
I need to stop trying to do it on my own, because it's futile and it's impossible.

And imagine what He could do through me, if I just let Him.

spinning;

Everytime I open up this 'new post' window, I do so with the intention of writing something that will sum everything that's going on in my life. And everytime I do this, I type a few sentences, my head starts to spin, and I give up, frustrated.

Things are crazy right now. It's ironic, because I thought that I wanted this part of my life to speed up, but now things are moving so quickly that really, I just want to hit the pause button and catch my breath. Ever feel like time completely dictates your life? Ever feel weighed down by it? Right now, I do. I'm living by an extremely rigid, structured schedule and it's foreign to me. Everything seems to be scheduled right down to the times that I sleep. And because of this routine, things just move so fast. I can't really believe that it's October already.

I'm struggling with understanding where I fit in. I miss camp because I miss being a part of that community. I miss knowing that people care, you know? I just miss that genuine concern, people asking about my life and actually wanting to know. And I miss feeling valued. I mean, I know that I shouldn't base my own sense of worth on other people, but at camp I felt like an integral, appreciated piece of a team - like I had useful talents and strengths to bring to the table. And it was a great feeling.

I feel like things are snowballing. As I sit here and type, there is just so much in my head that I want to spew into this blogging world.
I've been thinking a lot about trust lately, and evaluating just how much trust I put in God. I think something I really wrestle with is weighing my plans against His. I tend to paint ideal pictures in my head of what I think my life should look like, and sometimes I forget about the possibility that things could go differently. I feel as though lately God has been saying, 'hey, Andi, what if this isn't what I have planned..?' or, 'hey, Andi, ever considered THIS?' It's scary. I know He has my best interest at heart, I know He knows me better than anyone in the world (including myself) but I'm struggling with letting go of MY ideas. Maybe I won't have to let go, but I have to be willing to. I'm not sure how open minded I am to alternatives, and I know I need to be. I know I need to do some serious surrendering.



All that being said, Thanksgiving is around the corner.
And, as it approaches, I'm reminding myself to stop and remember how blessed I am. Sometimes I get so caught up in everything else, that I forget to just be thankful. Because, really, I am so lucky. I have a wonderful, loving family. I am in love with a great guy. I have amazing friends, near and far. I am receiving a solid education. I have food, clothing, a home, and I just had one of the best summers of my life. I have a relationship with my Creator.

I guess that's what this Thanksgiving is going to be about for me. I'm going to try to put everything aside, and just thank.
That needs to be a recurring theme in my life. I want to hit the pause button sometimes - but in it's own way, just stopping and remembering how blessed I am does that, you know?
Perhaps this weekend will be exactly what I need.

just love;

So, this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much, but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.
- Phillipians 1, MSG

Three things that jump at me when I read this passage;

Our love is supposed to flourish.
I had no idea what this word meant when I read it, so I looked it up in the dictionary. The most common definition listed is growth, or thriving. It means that we are supposed to love with the goal of reaching the highest point of love that we can possibly reach. I picture love kind of like a vine, climbing up a wall, always growing in height, but spreading width-wise too.
There's another definition for the word flourish that caught my attention. It's only listed once, and its very few words. It says, flourish: to sound a trumpet call or fanfare. Interesting, eh? Imagine if our love could be as bold as a trumpet call. Imagine love being that loud. And maybe that's not exactly what Paul is getting at, but when I see that definition that is what I want. I want there to be a trumpet-like boldness to the way that I love. That I would love without reservations, without conditions, without asking questions, and that it would grow more and more each day.

Love needs to be sincere.
It can't be fluff. It can't be meaningless. It involves using my heart, and my mind. Love needs to be intentional. It needs to be thought through. It goes beyond initial feelings. And I think for me that applies big time when it comes to people who are hard to love. Sometimes, people push my buttons. Sometimes I just don't feel like loving them. But love needs to be intentional. Paul says it needs to be intelligent. Maybe I won't feel the 'setimental gush' around every person that I encounter, but that doesn't mean I can't love them. I need to sincerely and genuinely love others, because Jesus loves me. And I certainly am hard to love, I'm sure.

Love needs to set an example.
It needs to paint Jesus in a good light. Others need to see the difference in the way I live, and want that difference. Notice that this passage says nothing about using our words. It doesn't say, 'love, and tell everyone about Jesus.' It says nothing about 'evangelizing.' It says to make Jesus attractive to all. How? By loving. By living by example. By living the way He did. It reminds me of that famous quote 'preach the Gospel at all times - and if necessary, use words.'
How? Love.


This passage really stands out to me. I feel like it gives us such a great 'how to' on what Jesus means when He says 'love one another,' and I love that. I love that He doesn't ask something of us and not help us out. He doesn't leave it for us to figure out by ourselves. He walks us through it. He sets the example. He helps us.
Sometimes we really complicate being Christians, don't we? And in doing that, I think we often totally miss the mark of what being a follower of Christ really means. What does it actually mean to follow Jesus? To live like Jesus?
I think it starts with love.
Plain and simply, just love.

oh, whisper to me now that it was for real;

Well, it's been nearly two weeks since I returned from Adventure Camp, and it feels like its been a lifetime.

This is hard, because as I sit here for like, the millionth time, I still can't figure out what to say. And I need to say something. I feel like I owe it to this summer to try to put into words what an incredible experience it was. But I can't just say anything. I have to do it justice. I have to capture every scent, every sight, every smell, every moment, every second.

I know that's unrealistic. And I know that if I try that, I will type until my fingers fall off.

So let me just tell you that this summer was easily the best of my life. In the short two months that I was up north, God revealed to me things that I never knew about myself and about Him. He stretched me, He urged me to try new things, and He showed me that He is with me no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing.

This summer, I learned what it means to be dependant. You're probably scratching your head and wondering how on earth that's a good thing. I didn't learn to depend on other people - I learned to depend on God. I learned that it's okay to ask Him for help. I learned that it's okay when I can't do something on my own. I learned that when my body grows tired, and weary, God stays strong. And I learned that if I am willing, God will replace my strength with His. He will work in me and through me.

Above all else, I learned what a privelege, what an opportunity, it is to love. Week after week, God placed groups of His children under my care and He asked only that I loved them. Loving those kids was such a blessing. Being their mom for the week, talking to them, laughing with them, rubbing their backs during sleepless nights, eating meals with them, praying with them, investing in them. I met the most amazing kids, with the most beautiful smiles and the most wonderful energy, and I got to build solid, trusting relationships with them. And, I got to watch God work in their lives. I got to share my relationship with Christ with them, and I got to help plant seeds in their minds and their hearts, trusting that God would nurture and grow those seeds. I saw kids commit their lives to Jesus, I prayed with them as they did it. When I think back on these experiences, I am blown away that God chose to use me the ways He did - that He picked me to work in these precious children's lives this summer.

I miss it. Everyday.
I miss the kids. I miss their laughter, and the sound of their small voices praying. I miss giving them piggy-back rides, and I miss holding their tiny hands in mine. I miss their tight little hugs, and I miss listening to them talk and talk about the cares of their young lives. I miss being a part of their lives.
I miss the stars, I miss the sunsets, I miss the lake, and the stillness of being surrounded by God's handiwork. I miss the sound of rain falling on the roof of my chalet. I miss the wildlife - the deer, the chipmunks, the raccoons.
I miss the incredible community of people I was blessed to work with. I miss being able to step outside and be greeted by a hug, or a smile, or an encouraging word. I miss feeling like a part of something incredible, a valued piece of a body working towards one common goal.
I miss being Daffi.

All in all, the summer was incredible. It exceeded all of my wildest dreams, every expectation, every notion that I had of what camp might be. God taught me, and pushed me, and changed me.
Not only was it the best summer of my life, but it was the best experience of my life. And even though I miss it unbelievably, I can't let that eclipse how incredibly grateful I am for those two months. I am so thankful for camp, I am so thankful for every moment of this past summer.

Being back in the real world is hard. And thinking about everything this summer held makes me feel like it would be so much easier to just be in that camp bubble again, to spend my whole life there. But I know that God taught me the things He did for a reason, and I know He's going to use those lessons and experiences in the coming year. It's exciting, and admittedly very scary, but He walked me through every transition at camp, and He will walk me through every transition here.

So, with that being said, I'm welcoming in the new year, I'm pushing past the tough adjustments, I'm trusting God to carry me through.
And I'm taking Adventure Camp with me.

out with the old, and in with the new;

Hello, world of ''blogspot.com!''
I figured it was high time that I upgraded from my dear livejournal account. I'm surrounded by changes right now, and I thought to myself, "new beginnings call for new blogs'' so here I am.

To be specific, 'here' is currently my desk at work. My job is rivetting.
I'm about halfway through my last shift here at Joint Rehab Physiotherapy until September. I'm leaving for camp for the first time the day after tomorrow. I'm completely excited and completely nervous all wrapped up in one.

I'm so excited to see what God has to teach me this summer. This year has been such a rocky one, but its brought me to this point. I've begun to see the reasons for certain occurances this year, and God's helped to be able to piece together everything slowly. It's been an awesome experience to be able to understand a tiny part of God's plan for me and it's amazing to know that i'm on the path that He wants me to be on.

I'm looking forward to being stretched this summer. I know that daily, Adventure Camp is going to present me with new opportunities, situations and obstacles. I'm going to face things that are uncomfortable for me, things that are difficult and new, and things that I wouldn't regularly do, all of which are going to push my comfort zones and mould me into the woman God wants me to be.

I'm going to be thrown into an environment that thrives off of sharing Christ's love with others, which is probably what excites me most about camp. As I try to prepare myself for everything that I will encounter over the next couple months, in the forefront of my mind is simply love. If i'm going into this summer with any goal, it's to love as Jesus loves me. The most wonderful realization I could have come to this year is that I am so loved. By God, by my family, and the people around me, and my only choice is to let that love spill out of me and into other peoples' lives. So needless to say, I can't wait to have that opportunity at camp.

I'm nervous and i'm stressed right now. If I start talking about all of the things i'm excited for, that seems to dissolve a little - but all I need to do is look at the calendar and realize that the day that once was 2 months away is now only 2 days away. I'm realizing that I don't cope well with change, and now that the life that i've been so comfortable with is changing, I need to learn to accept that and settle again. It's interesting, and I already see lessons unfolding for me to learn.

So, with all of those jumbled up thoughts and emotions out in cyberspace now, i'm heading back to work with exactly 1 hour and 55 minutes util my summer actually begins!