I've spent a huge chunk of this year thinking about how I can actively love others. How I can share in the lives of the people I love. How to go beyond just facebook messages and texts. And I made a decision months ago to do it better. But it seems the more I try to do it the more I feel like I come up short. The more I feel like a disappointment to others, and to myself.
I'm not sure where my thoughts are going but I needed an outlet to pour into. All I know is that camp is 3 weeks away and I'm feeling the urgency. And all of the people around me are clearly feeling it too. And it's all making me feel somewhat like a failure. Like the more I hear "I need to see you more before you go away" the guiltier I feel for going away, and the more I realize that I haven't invested my time the way I've wanted to.
I feel like I'm being stretched very thin. And like I'm being pulled in a million different directions, And it doesn't really matter which one I choose because inevitably I will disappoint somebody I love.
And I'm frustrated. Mostly with myself I think.
I know I shouldn't be stressing out about this and I should be thinking about the exciting summer I have ahead of me.
This is just one big rant with no conclusion. I suppose I just wish I was better at balancing things.
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oh Andi.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's necessarily that you have to get better at balancing more, it's that you have to stop making yourself believe that you actually have to balance it all.
relationships are important, but I've learned that you can't please everyone. it's a hard lesson to learn, and quite the difficult pill to swallow, but in the end, no matter if you're gone for a day, for a week, for three months... the people who actually want to see you now will still want to see you when you get back.
it seems like a silly thing to pray about, but seriously pray about it. tell God that people are stressing you out and you don't like that because you care about people. I know EXACTLY how you feel! we just care too much about letting people down. people shouldn't be a burden to you, they should be encouraging, uplifting... if they're not, then there's something greater going on than just your lack of ability to tightrope walk on one foot with china plates on your head... you know?
I think this is Satan's way of attacking you before you go off to do God's work. counter-attack with prayer. and I'm praying for you too! stop being stressed. easier said than done, but stop. don't allow yourself to! don't beat yourself up for being human, for having too many friends, for needing to work and wanting to play... schedule in a person a day, even if it's just over the phone during a lunch break.
I love you! and I may not see you before you leave, but that's OKAY (don't you dare say otherwise. it IS okay). cause I know I will DEFINITELY see you when you get back (: that's a promise!
<3